Posting again...

It's been more than a year since the last time I post anything in here. So many things happen to me during that period. Some worth to mention, some not. I don't know what exactly that makes me stop writing in here, perhaps because I found another medium to write (although different kind of writing) or simply because I was lazy, but I guess it's time to start writing in here again.

My dad passed away two months ago. It kinda changed me, and in some ways I feel like I'm losing direction. I don't know what I want to do with my future. Simply put, I lost the goal to be more than I am today.

It seems injustice to blame my dad's death for that, and I have no intention to it. I can't denied there's an empty void inside of me. I've been trying to fill it with things and other people but I realize there's nothing in this world that could fill it. The hole will always be there for the rest of my life. I just have to get used to it.

Hopefully I'll find something worth fighting for my future.

The Winner Stand Alone

"One of the recurrent themes of my books is the importance of paying the price of your dreams. But to what extent can our dreams be manipulated? For the past decades, we lived in a culture that privileged fame, money, power – and most of the people were led to believe that these were the real values that we should pursue.

We all should be a “winner”. Not in the sense of someone who finally wins what is important to his/her life. Not in the sense that happiness is the most valuable gift on Earth – and it can be attained here and now, when your work fulfills your heart. We should be a winner in the sense that the system portraits a successful person: celebrity, influence, photos in glossy magazines, behaving like the masters of the universe.

Yes, you may reach the goal society has fed you – but will you be satisfied? Will you be whole? Will you be in peace? This cycle of possession never ends – because the moment that you think that you have reached your goal another desire creeps in. And how can you find rest when it is the hunt that moves you?

While people are connected – omniscient thanks to their mobile phones and GPS – they all speak the same words, fight for the same goals, and crave the same things. How could it be otherwise? If fashion exists it is precisely because you can mold the desire of the masses – or how else could a bag, a dress impose itself as necessary?

In a world of invisible yet unsurpassable “diktats”, where a few puppeteers pull the strings of the many, instill in other people’s dreams the pursue of superficial things, there seems to be a rising feeling, a silent despair that creeps in.

Greed to have, greed to be seen, greed to prevail, even greed to kill, if you think it is for a good cause – like love, for example.

What we don’t know is that, behind the scenes, the real manipulators remain anonymous. They understand that the most effective power is the one that nobody can notice – until it is too late, and you are trapped."

This is the post in Paulo Coelho's blog about his latest book, The Winner Stand Alone. I haven't read the book, though this book is in the top three my must-have-books list.

Coelho mention about happiness. Simple happiness, doing what you like, or at least not doing a job that makes you feel like you're killing yourself inside. My friend talk to me yesterday about how she got scold from a person who interviewed her because she cannot answer 'What is your greatest accomplishment?'. These day it's all about that, isn't it? as if you are half human if not pursuing something, as if it's a despicable thing for not 'accomplish' on something. I'll say stay alive is pretty much an accomplishment...

Everybody have a goal, even they didn't realize it, even they didn't talk about it, or seems like do nothing to pursuit it. I do have goal. I have some, and one that I desire the most. One that makes me choose to put other aside, and walk in the path less traveled. But what actually the motives? yes, that is the most important question, motives behind it all, to see beyond the surfaces...

Coelho talking about greed. For me the greed is there, alongside the hunger and the thirst. Wanting to have some, wanting to be seen, wanting to prevail. But there are also other things, love if I may said so. Not the love to other person, but love to the things I like and inspire me the most, the activities that bring joy to me, the things that makes me punch the sky and exclaimed "yeah, I'm alive and it feels good!"

As Coelho said in his many works, it's not about fulfilling your desire, but about fulfilling your heart. Not about bag and shoes and clothes, or fame and fortune, but about doing things that your heart wish for. Therefore, be prepare to revealed what your heart wishes for and join in, as Coelho said, in the journey into a world that is coming to and end...

"We are part of the solution, if we go back to the real values of life, being “follow your dream” the most important of all. Not the dreams of the Superclass. Not the dreams of our parents, or our partners. We should be what we always wanted to be."

Self doubt

Pace... speed... tempo... velocity... whatever, you name it!
It all mean the same in one thing: in Life.

Old and wiser folks said, everybody had their own pace, chooses their own road, and walking their own steps. But, as we are younger and foolish person, we cant help ourselves to stop looking at other (now is the time to said, the grass always greener in the other garden).
I see people have come so far, accomplished so much, and done so many things that makes me in my gloomy day, feels like loser.
There are many things I want to do, but there are many limitation. I know I shouldn't give up, and I'm not giving up. I guess I'm postpone it, or putting it aside, and concentrate on things that urgent.
But then, it grew self-doubt in my mind, can I do it? can get what I want?
the thing is, in my life, I rarely get what I want (beside books, that's why I like books, they never fail me), and I cannot be like some people who just go and chase their dreams and leave everything behind.
I can't leave everything behind...
I can't walk away and not turning back...
I don't even sure I can walk away...

and so I stay, and dwell in self-doubt on should I be a responsible family member, or go for experiences and adventure...

me, in my gloomy day

Optimist

How to be optimist?
Some people might think my question a bit awkward, but people who knew me might understand why I'm asking this question.

I'm a realistic person, even tend to be pessimist and cynical on several occasion (wait, what am I thinking? I always sarcastic and cynical). It wasn't something that happen to me on purpose. It's what life teach me, and what life shaped me into. I'm not the self-help material, I never interested in reading Chicken Soup, I like stories with different point of view, I tend to like sidekick like Ron Weasley in Harry Potter or Merry and Pippin in LOTR instead the main characters, I always look for something behind the surfaces, I'm not easily trust people, and I hate angelic-protagonist character.

Why I'm discussing this? because few days ago I watch Oprah and the show is about The Secret. I never read the book or watch the DVD, because as I wrote earlier, I'm not the self-help material, and the secret seems to be like one. But I'm curious about few things they say and I try to make my own vision board. Vision board is where you put your vision, the things you desire in your life (not the silly things like new jeans or BMW, but the things you really wanted in your life, like for me, traveling abroad).
I understand the purpose of the board. The point of making the board is that it makes you concentrate on what you want, you'll see the board everyday and it will makes you think about it and find a way to make it reality.
They also say that if believe that and (as I quoted) you concentrate on what you want, without pushing it too much, the universe will open the way for you to achieve what you want.
Okay, now that's the difficult part for me to except. Because it takes an optimist to believe in that, and I don't have that in my molecules.

As far as I know, life's doesn't work that way. Life's not fair like my friend said, Life messy, Life sucks, Life's full of things we cannot control and predict. It's not that I hate life, life can be fun and happy and enjoyable. But from what I know it doesn't always that way, and the things that you want doesn't always comes true.

So is it possible, the universe works the way The Secret's experts said?
Or it just they way I already know it?

Time

We praise time yet at the same time we despite it.
Time is the most mysterious thing in the world. It could help you ease your pain but also able to drag you to the oblivious. Time could make friends became strangers and lovers became haters.
Time changes people we thought we know the most, and then one day they astonished you by their behavior, makes you wonder, who are they?
But sometimes, time brought people we never know or we haven't knew closer to us. We know more about them and feel comfortable by their presences in our life gradually.

How we justified time?
Is it like a river? floating in channels of period, ages, and centuries. Or time scattered around us? Uncertain and unidentified.

Stupid Parents

No, I did not write about my parent... which is sometimes (as all normal people) do stupid things but they definitely not stupid parent.
I'm talking about parents who brought their kids to the music concert in the middle of the night or watching movies with rating R aka Restricted in the cinema. If you're one of them, read this...
Let me tell you my experiences, few months ago me and my friends go to Jakjazz music festival. It was held in evening until past midnight, and because it was in rainy season, of course its raining. And it's a music concert, even thought its jazz, it still provide loud sound. Some silly parent thing it's okay to bring their babies to the concert. babies! I'm not writing about 10 y'old kids, I'm writing about babies around 1 or 2 y'old in outdoor music concert at 10 o'clock in the rainy night, instead of sleeping in their cribs.
And if you think these parents cannot leave their kids alone at home, think again because they brought their nannies with them in the concert. So I'm wondering, why don't they just leave their kids at home with their nannies? not like they do the parenting job in the concert, they just have fun enjoying the music without thinking that loud music could be too much to handle by sensitive 1 y'old babies' ears.
Another experiences is that lately I'm seeing parents brought their kids to the cinema. it's okay if they watch Madagascar or ice age or bedtime stories, but Underworld? Underworld? Seriously people, how thick can you get? The movies in full of violence scenes and there's also sex scene. And since this parent are so... concerned about their kids, they cover their kids eyes during this scene. Which makes their kids wandering, and asking with loud voice is the scene over and they allowed to see now? and of cource annoyed others who pay the same price and hoping to be able to watch the movie comfortably (which didn't include children talking in loud voices).
Please parents or wannabe parents, maybe you want to be hip or cool or sophisticated, but bring your children to watch R rating movies is not hip or cool and definitely not sophisticated. It only show that you're stupid and not a good parent. Even some PG-13 movies is not suppose to be watch by under 9 y'old...
I'm not trying to lecture anyone but I believe many people will agree with me. In this world where violence and sex is being displayed in anywhere, family is suppose to be the buffer or sanctuary. And parent should stop trying to look cool in front of people because I think this whole I'm-cool-parent-so-I-brought-my-kids-everywhere is so overrated!

Manner

There is a thing called manner. It's include politeness, sincere, empathy, etc. but unfortunately, it starting to extinct. It's happening and it getting worse everyday...
Few days ago when I'm accompanying my dad in hospital, suddenly a bunch of middle-age women burst into the room (open the door with loud voice too), and then when they realize they enter the wrong room, they just left without saying anything.
Couple weeks ago when I'm at Jakarta after work interview and walking in the middle of the rain on my way to train station, a middle-age (why all this middle-age women suddenly have no manner?) approaches me and force me to 'welcome' her under my umbrella. while we're walking, she talked all the time about rain and how rain troubled her. but when we'd arrived at train station, she just left. no thank you or anything...
Not to mention some wrong phone call that rarely say I'm sorry, or young people sit in the buses or train while elderly are standing...
These days people rarely say thank you or I'm sorry. People take everything they can and give nothing in repay. People don't care about others but themselves. People calculating the deeds they do for others.
I think it's a very important thing to use manner in everything. It wasn't so hard to smile and say thank you, it is less troublesome to forgive instead of angry all the time. and because the world will be much better place to live if people have a good manner and respect each other.

Broken web

What would you do if a place you used to call home doesn't feel like home anymore?
What would you do if you suddenly didn't recognize the people you used to know?
What if everything that once familiar to you became unfamiliar?

Would you stay and hold on to the sheer memories and fruitless hope?
Or you walk away, hoping by doing so you keep your sanity?

People are hold on to what's familiar for them like a spider hold on to the web they created. it eight feets recognize every part of it without even have to look at it. but imagine one day someone destroyed the web, and leave the spider in confuse. frozen in whatever left from it web, dont know wether it shoud weave it one more time or leave it and start a new one...

And now I feel like a spider in broken web, still cannot decide what to do when my house is just a house and not a home anymore...

Ghost of the past

How many times in life that you think you have passed some difficult moment, you finished it, and move on, live your life, only to realize that those moment never leave you. It just stays in the corner, waiting your weakness and attacks you with full strength.

They say it okay to fear, they say it okay to afraid, but don’t let it blocking you away. How easy to say that, but to experience it is a whole different thing. How to make a closure? Should I wave all the things and letting those ghost walk freely?

What going to happen if I do so? Will it be better? Or I just make things worse?

It been years, and I thought I’ve finished with it. I thought I’d get over it and live my life just they way I wanted to be. But then one day it came back, all of it: the fear, the pain, the sacrifice, the feeling, the betrayal, fresh in minds as if it just yesterday. What am I doing all these years? Only building my own wall, creating web of reasons to protect myself in order to prevent me to experience those moment anymore. Without realizing that I might hurt other in the process.

I thought I’ve already get over it, but I guess I just shoved it away because I don’t want to deal with it anymore. But I didn’t realise that by that I’m letting the ghost of it haunting me… shadowing every steps I take and decision I make.

I just hope I will be able to get rid this ghost of my past once and for all, for the sake of my life…

To my dearest cat...

24th September is the day when my cute-spoiled-arogant-funny-loveable cat passed away beacuse of disease...

I know this is the best for him because he suffer for weeks, but I'm still crying almost all night. he still five y'old, he's not suppose to die now, but who am I to complain God decision...

I just wish I could hold him much longer, have him at my house as a part of 'home'...

Facing The Bridge

I’m standing at the edge... facing the bridge in front of me, the bridge that lead me to many opportunities, but also contain many risks.
I’m standing and thinking.... should I cross the bridge or turn away and leave?
I don’t know what lies ahead... I don’t know what I will encounter when I cross the bridge. I might be astonished by the venue or I will fall to the depth underneath and crushed into pieces.
But if I turn away, will it be better for me, or it just another form of destruction? The dull and slow-motion destruction with series of questioning myself.

So here I am still standing…
Facing the bridge…

Thinking…

Narcissus and the lake

Prolog of The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
The Alchemist picked up a book that someone in the caravan had brought. Leafing through the pages, he found a story about Narcissus.

The alchemist knew the legend of Narcissus, a youth who daily knelt beside a lake to contemplate his own beauty. He was so fascinated by himself that, one morning, he fell into the lake and drowned. At the spot where he fell, a flower was born, which was called the narcissus. But this was not how the author of the book ended the story.

He said that when Narcissus died, the Goddesses of the Forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears.

"Why do you weep?" the Goddesses asked.

"I weep for Narcissus," the lake replied.

"Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus," they said, "for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand."

"But..... was Narcissus beautiful?" the lake asked.

"Who better than you to know that?" the Goddesses said in wonder, "After all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!!"

The lake was silent for some time. Finally it said:

"I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected."

"What a lovely story," the alchemist thought.

when changes occur

One day I sat alone in my living room and thinking about things that recently happen in my life.

Many changes occur during the past month, people that I care making decision without my consent, people that I need to ask their approval before deciding something important. I feel useless, meaningless, and powerless upon things that happened.

Who are they and what they do to them? Please bring back the real them that I know, the rational and logical people as they used to be. The people that make me believe the real thing, people that make me believe in my own judgment based upon fairness and reality. Now they demand me to be what they want me to be, demand me to understand, but how? We all talk different things right now, care upon different things now.

Am I being left behind while all of them are moving and changing? Then why I feel like they’re chasing ghost?

Oh, how I wish to be careless, to be ignorant, to shut my eyes and ears and live my own clamshell world. To be selfish and walk away, leaving all this only to be dealt by the weekend. But I can’t…

I just can’t.

And here I am hold on to things that was real, as a shade of memory and fruitless hope of good things that may come if I stay a bit longer.

“To see the world as so conniving, you cannot take pleasure in the
appareance of something good... because you suspect...
it is only a painted drop behind which other troubles lie.”
Madeline Bray (Nicholas Nickelby by Charles Dickens)

The Spider and The Fly

"Will you walk into my parlour?" said a Spider to a Fly,
"It is the prettiest parlour that ever you did spy,
You've only got to pop your head just inside of the door,
You'll see so many curious things you never saw before,
Will you, will you, will you walk in, pretty Fly? …"

"My fine house is always open." said the Spider to the Fly,

"I'm glad to have the company of all I see go by."

"They go in but don't come down again, I've heard of you before."

"Oh, yes they do, I always let them out at my back door,

Will you, will you, will you walk in, pretty Fly?…"

"Will you grant me one sweet kiss, dear," says the Spider to the Fly,

"To taste your charming lips I've a curiosity." Says the Fly,

"If once our lips did meet, a wager I would lay,

of ten to one you would not after let them come away."

"Will you, will you, will you walk in, pretty Fly? ..."

"For the last time now I ask you, will you walk in, Mister Fly?"
”No! If I do, may I be shot, I'm off now, so good-bye, good-bye, good-bye."
Then up he springs, but both his wings were in the web caught fast;

The Spider laugh'd, "Ah, ah, my boy, I have you safe at last.
Will you, will you, will you walk OUT, pretty Fly? …"
"Tell me, pray, how are you now?" says the Spider to the Fly,

"You fools will never wisdom get unless you dearly buy;

Mostly European nursery rhymes were rather grim compared to Indonesian, especially Eastern Europe, but this one from British and one of my favourites. I like it because it has deep meaning on how we should careful about things that looks appealing, because what we see in the surface may not reflect what’s beneath it.

To The One

To the one who understood her task and her purpose.
To the one who looked at the road ahead, and understood that it was a difficult journey.

To the one who did not make light of those difficulties,
but, on the contrary, made them manifest and visible.

To the one who makes the lonely feel they are not alone,
who satisfies those who hunger and thirst for justice, who makes the oppressor feel as bad as the oppressed.

To the one who always keeps her door open,
her ears listening, her hands working, her feet walking.

To the one who embodies the verses of another Persian poet,
Hafez, when he says: Not even seven thousand years of joy are worth seven days of sadness.

To the one who is here tonight, may she be one with all of us,
may her example multiply, may she still have difficult days ahead,
so that she can do whatever she needs to do,
so that the next generations will not have to strive
for what has already been accomplished.

And may she walk slowly,
because her peace is the peace of change,
and change, real change, always takes time.

(Message from Paulo Coelho to honour Shirin Ebadi at the Nobel Peace Prize Ceremony, Oslo, December 11th 2003).

Daily things...

Every day when I log in to internet, I’ve receive a message in my YM account from my friend. Each day consisted different message, but every one of them is inspiring and sometimes help me through the day.

Although sometimes I do forget the message’s content, but only by remembering there’s someone care enough to send inspiring words everyday for me makes my spirit lifted.

It also made me realizes that it doesn’t take a lot of effort or money to genuinely be kind or inspire people. Just like what my friend did through one message per day, there’s also many ways to tell people that no matter what difficulty they might encounter during the day, there someone who care about them and wishing them a good day.

To Vino, thx and keep sending me messages! :D

Languages...

I always fascinated by language. I don’t know why, but the first time I learn foreign language (English) is when I was in elementary school, probably 2nd grade. I was watching Sesame Street and since that day I love languages and eager to learn it. If it’s possible, I want to learn all the language in the world.

Right now I learn French, and it’s cool and fun, and confusing at the same time (j’aime apprendre français, mais difficile). I want to learn other Latin-root languages such as Spanish, Italian, and Portuguese. I also want to learn Turkish, Japanese, and any language that I able to learn.

But when my job require me to know more about my own language, I realise that I don’t know that much. And then I chat with my friends from other countries. They asked me about Indonesian language, and I have to open my school book to answer some of their questions.

As an Indonesian, we often take-it-for-granted Indonesian language. We forget about proper Indonesian, we don’t normally use it in conversation, even in formal conversation (which is fine for me).
I got A for English but C for Indonesian. Isn’t that ironic?

I’m an Indonesian in every inch of my blood (as far as I know) but yet I don’t know (and perhaps don’t care) much about my own language. While out there, some foreigners wanting to learn more about it. A chieftain of small ethnic in Alaska said once:

“Without land, without language, and without culture, there will be no native.”

Those words were haunting me. How can we call ourselves Indonesian native if we neglected our land, forgetting our language, and disrespect our culture?

I guess this is the right time to learn more about my own country and pay more respect to what we have as an Indonesian.

PS: but it doesn’t mean I’ll stop learning and using foreign languages. :D

Like the Flowing River

Be like the flowing river,

Silent in the night.

Be not afraid of the dark.

If there are stars in the sky, reflect them back.

If there are cloud in the sky,

Remember, cloud, like river, are water,

So, gladly reflect them too,

In your own tranquil depths.

- - Manuel Bandeira - -

Quoted from Like the Flowing River, thoughts and reflections of Paulo Coelho*

See where I stole my blog title?

The Wall

When we were a child, our parents build walls around us to protect us. They told us not to touch the caterpillar because it might itchy and you’ll suffer skin rash for weeks; you’re not allowed to eat the soil because it definitely unhygienic and you cannot kicks a dog because it might chase you.
When we growing up, we start to experience things and build our own wall based on the foundation our parents created. We build it when we fall from trees, when the dog bite us, or when the driver shouting at us with nasty language because we cross the street carelessly. And then wall became higher and thicker when someone stabs us from behind, when someone cheated on us, when we were fooled and betrayed.
Years passing by and without even realizing it, sometimes we build the wall too high and too thick so no one outside can see through us or even takes a peek. At first we comfortable with it: we feel strong and confident, no one able to hurt us. They don’t even able to touch us. But then, at some point, we realize that we are alone behind the wall, but yet too afraid to open the door because people might see our weakness and use it against us. And when it happen we might hurt deeply or even crushed into pieces. Because we know the one that hurt us the most is the one we love the most…
And although we know there’s no coming back, our biggest fear is that we will never be able to collect the pieces and be as strong as we were before.

Question

Who is the strongest of all? Those who stand behind the thick defences or those who offences non-stop?

But yet again, perhaps those who appear the strongest might be the weakest of all…