Posting again...

It's been more than a year since the last time I post anything in here. So many things happen to me during that period. Some worth to mention, some not. I don't know what exactly that makes me stop writing in here, perhaps because I found another medium to write (although different kind of writing) or simply because I was lazy, but I guess it's time to start writing in here again.

My dad passed away two months ago. It kinda changed me, and in some ways I feel like I'm losing direction. I don't know what I want to do with my future. Simply put, I lost the goal to be more than I am today.

It seems injustice to blame my dad's death for that, and I have no intention to it. I can't denied there's an empty void inside of me. I've been trying to fill it with things and other people but I realize there's nothing in this world that could fill it. The hole will always be there for the rest of my life. I just have to get used to it.

Hopefully I'll find something worth fighting for my future.

Self doubt

Pace... speed... tempo... velocity... whatever, you name it!
It all mean the same in one thing: in Life.

Old and wiser folks said, everybody had their own pace, chooses their own road, and walking their own steps. But, as we are younger and foolish person, we cant help ourselves to stop looking at other (now is the time to said, the grass always greener in the other garden).
I see people have come so far, accomplished so much, and done so many things that makes me in my gloomy day, feels like loser.
There are many things I want to do, but there are many limitation. I know I shouldn't give up, and I'm not giving up. I guess I'm postpone it, or putting it aside, and concentrate on things that urgent.
But then, it grew self-doubt in my mind, can I do it? can get what I want?
the thing is, in my life, I rarely get what I want (beside books, that's why I like books, they never fail me), and I cannot be like some people who just go and chase their dreams and leave everything behind.
I can't leave everything behind...
I can't walk away and not turning back...
I don't even sure I can walk away...

and so I stay, and dwell in self-doubt on should I be a responsible family member, or go for experiences and adventure...

me, in my gloomy day

Optimist

How to be optimist?
Some people might think my question a bit awkward, but people who knew me might understand why I'm asking this question.

I'm a realistic person, even tend to be pessimist and cynical on several occasion (wait, what am I thinking? I always sarcastic and cynical). It wasn't something that happen to me on purpose. It's what life teach me, and what life shaped me into. I'm not the self-help material, I never interested in reading Chicken Soup, I like stories with different point of view, I tend to like sidekick like Ron Weasley in Harry Potter or Merry and Pippin in LOTR instead the main characters, I always look for something behind the surfaces, I'm not easily trust people, and I hate angelic-protagonist character.

Why I'm discussing this? because few days ago I watch Oprah and the show is about The Secret. I never read the book or watch the DVD, because as I wrote earlier, I'm not the self-help material, and the secret seems to be like one. But I'm curious about few things they say and I try to make my own vision board. Vision board is where you put your vision, the things you desire in your life (not the silly things like new jeans or BMW, but the things you really wanted in your life, like for me, traveling abroad).
I understand the purpose of the board. The point of making the board is that it makes you concentrate on what you want, you'll see the board everyday and it will makes you think about it and find a way to make it reality.
They also say that if believe that and (as I quoted) you concentrate on what you want, without pushing it too much, the universe will open the way for you to achieve what you want.
Okay, now that's the difficult part for me to except. Because it takes an optimist to believe in that, and I don't have that in my molecules.

As far as I know, life's doesn't work that way. Life's not fair like my friend said, Life messy, Life sucks, Life's full of things we cannot control and predict. It's not that I hate life, life can be fun and happy and enjoyable. But from what I know it doesn't always that way, and the things that you want doesn't always comes true.

So is it possible, the universe works the way The Secret's experts said?
Or it just they way I already know it?

Penerjemah ≠ kamus berjalan

Seorang teman pernah bertanya begini, "Ngapain lu online tiap hari? Pasti buat chatting dan facebook-ing terus. Main mulu lu." dan gw menjawab "Nggak juga, kan biar gampang kalo perlu cari arti kata-kata yang nggak gw mengerti di dictionary online." dan dia pun membalas, "Lu kan penerjemah, kok masih lihat kamus? Mestinya sudah mahir dong, nggak perlu lagi buka kamus."
Dan gw sudah keburu kesal kepingin nimpuk (dikarenakan a) seenaknya saja menilai sesuatu yang tidak diketahuinya dan b) bukan dia yang bayar tagihan spidi gw kok dia repot) sehingga malas menjelaskan pada dia. Karena itu dijelaskan di sini saja deh.
Penerjemah tidak sama dengan kamus berjalan.
Seorang penerjemah memang harus bisa berbahasa yang jadi keahliannya (dalam kasus gw B.Inggris), dan seorang penerjemah harus bisa membawa perasaan tulisan yang diterjemahkannya agar sebisa mungkin orang yang membaca versi terjemahannya mendapat pengalaman dan perasaan yang sama seperti membaca versi aslinya. Seorang penerjemah harus bisa menyesuaikan kata-kata yang dipilihnya dengan jenis bahan terjemahannya. Misalnya menerjemahkan laporan, harus memilih kata-kata yang baku dan jelas, berbeda dengan menerjemahkan fiksi.
Tapi bukan berarti hapal setiap kata. Bahkan pembuat kamus Oxford pun tidak tahu setiap kata dalam bahasa Inggris yang kemudian dicantumkan dalam bukunya (Baca The Professor and The Madman karya Simon Winchester), dia harus melihat referensi terlebih dahulu, salah satu tujuannya adalah meminimalisir kesalahan.
Penerjemah yang tidak pernah melihat kamus terkadang malah membuat banyak kesalahan karena terlalu yakin. Padahal dalam pekerjaan semacam ini, harus hati-hati sekali karena bisa menimbulkan arti yang berbeda (bukankah begitu Pak Pandu, :D).

Nama

Hm, mau curhat dikit nih.
Sebelum ini saya selalu senang (bahkan menjurus ke sombong dikit...) karena jarang banget nemu orang dengan nama yang sama. mirip-mirip dikit ada lah, tapi yang sama persis ga pernah nemu.
Eh, tiba-tiba ada artis baru yang namanya sama persis dan juga asal Bogor. Duh... bikin sebel aja, mending juga dia bersuara bagus seperti Uthe gitu. Udah gitu kalau googling nama itu sekarang, banyaknya masuk ke situs foto artis bugil. Uh! serasa tercemar deh nama yang telah disandang selama lebih dari 25 tahun ini.
Yah, Shakespeare memang bilang 'Apalah artinya nama?', tapi berhubung saya bukan penggemar berat Shakespeare (hanya suka saja), omongannya nggak gitu masuk ke hati. hehehee...
Jadi, intinya tulisan ini apa yah? (maap otak lagi mumet sama 2 terjemahan jadi nggak ada ruang lagi) Sebenarnya cuma mau curhat aja, habis googling nama sendiri dan muncul alamat-alamat menyebalkan itu. untung masih ada beberapa alamat yang memang berkaitan dengan diri sendiri, dan untungnya bukan hal yang menyebalkan. :D

Broken web

What would you do if a place you used to call home doesn't feel like home anymore?
What would you do if you suddenly didn't recognize the people you used to know?
What if everything that once familiar to you became unfamiliar?

Would you stay and hold on to the sheer memories and fruitless hope?
Or you walk away, hoping by doing so you keep your sanity?

People are hold on to what's familiar for them like a spider hold on to the web they created. it eight feets recognize every part of it without even have to look at it. but imagine one day someone destroyed the web, and leave the spider in confuse. frozen in whatever left from it web, dont know wether it shoud weave it one more time or leave it and start a new one...

And now I feel like a spider in broken web, still cannot decide what to do when my house is just a house and not a home anymore...

Ghost of the past

How many times in life that you think you have passed some difficult moment, you finished it, and move on, live your life, only to realize that those moment never leave you. It just stays in the corner, waiting your weakness and attacks you with full strength.

They say it okay to fear, they say it okay to afraid, but don’t let it blocking you away. How easy to say that, but to experience it is a whole different thing. How to make a closure? Should I wave all the things and letting those ghost walk freely?

What going to happen if I do so? Will it be better? Or I just make things worse?

It been years, and I thought I’ve finished with it. I thought I’d get over it and live my life just they way I wanted to be. But then one day it came back, all of it: the fear, the pain, the sacrifice, the feeling, the betrayal, fresh in minds as if it just yesterday. What am I doing all these years? Only building my own wall, creating web of reasons to protect myself in order to prevent me to experience those moment anymore. Without realizing that I might hurt other in the process.

I thought I’ve already get over it, but I guess I just shoved it away because I don’t want to deal with it anymore. But I didn’t realise that by that I’m letting the ghost of it haunting me… shadowing every steps I take and decision I make.

I just hope I will be able to get rid this ghost of my past once and for all, for the sake of my life…

To my dearest cat...

24th September is the day when my cute-spoiled-arogant-funny-loveable cat passed away beacuse of disease...

I know this is the best for him because he suffer for weeks, but I'm still crying almost all night. he still five y'old, he's not suppose to die now, but who am I to complain God decision...

I just wish I could hold him much longer, have him at my house as a part of 'home'...

Facing The Bridge

I’m standing at the edge... facing the bridge in front of me, the bridge that lead me to many opportunities, but also contain many risks.
I’m standing and thinking.... should I cross the bridge or turn away and leave?
I don’t know what lies ahead... I don’t know what I will encounter when I cross the bridge. I might be astonished by the venue or I will fall to the depth underneath and crushed into pieces.
But if I turn away, will it be better for me, or it just another form of destruction? The dull and slow-motion destruction with series of questioning myself.

So here I am still standing…
Facing the bridge…

Thinking…

when changes occur

One day I sat alone in my living room and thinking about things that recently happen in my life.

Many changes occur during the past month, people that I care making decision without my consent, people that I need to ask their approval before deciding something important. I feel useless, meaningless, and powerless upon things that happened.

Who are they and what they do to them? Please bring back the real them that I know, the rational and logical people as they used to be. The people that make me believe the real thing, people that make me believe in my own judgment based upon fairness and reality. Now they demand me to be what they want me to be, demand me to understand, but how? We all talk different things right now, care upon different things now.

Am I being left behind while all of them are moving and changing? Then why I feel like they’re chasing ghost?

Oh, how I wish to be careless, to be ignorant, to shut my eyes and ears and live my own clamshell world. To be selfish and walk away, leaving all this only to be dealt by the weekend. But I can’t…

I just can’t.

And here I am hold on to things that was real, as a shade of memory and fruitless hope of good things that may come if I stay a bit longer.

“To see the world as so conniving, you cannot take pleasure in the
appareance of something good... because you suspect...
it is only a painted drop behind which other troubles lie.”
Madeline Bray (Nicholas Nickelby by Charles Dickens)

Hari ini

Hari ini (Jumat 29 Agustus) bangun dan langsung mendapat berita duka.

Sepupuku meninggal.

Aku berasal dari keluarga kecil, hanya empat orang (+ satu kucing). Tapi karena orangtua dari keluarga besar, sepupuku banyak sekali. Ketika sedang niat menghitung, aku dan sepupuku dari pihak ibu berhasil mendata keluarga kami dan jumlahnya ratusan. Karena itu kadang saat kumpul keluarga di lebaran sekalipun, kita hanya bertukar salam dengan beberapa orang saudara sebelum asyik ngobrol dengan saudara-saudara terdekat.

Tapi bukan berarti hubungan kekerabatan kami tidak dekat. Meski bertemu minimal setahun sekali, keakraban itu tetap ada. Mas Jon (alm) bukan sepupu yang ditalikan dengan darah karena Alm adalah anak tiri Bude, tapi dia anggota keluarga dan kami semua bersedih atas kematiannya. Terlebih lagi keluarga inti yang ia tinggalkan masih amat membutuhkan sokongannya.

Hal yang paling aku ingat dari dia adalah sikap menjaga dan melindungi khas seorang kakak saat hampir semua sepupu menginap di vila di Puncak. Sampai kapanpun dia tetap seorang kakak bagiku.

Selamat jalan Mas Jon, semoga diterima di sisi Allah SWT. Kami semua mendoakanmu...

Daily things...

Every day when I log in to internet, I’ve receive a message in my YM account from my friend. Each day consisted different message, but every one of them is inspiring and sometimes help me through the day.

Although sometimes I do forget the message’s content, but only by remembering there’s someone care enough to send inspiring words everyday for me makes my spirit lifted.

It also made me realizes that it doesn’t take a lot of effort or money to genuinely be kind or inspire people. Just like what my friend did through one message per day, there’s also many ways to tell people that no matter what difficulty they might encounter during the day, there someone who care about them and wishing them a good day.

To Vino, thx and keep sending me messages! :D

pekerjaan

satu pekerjaan selesai!!!!
yang lain menanti. hiks!
kadang bertanya sama diri sendiri, sebenarnya ingin kerja seperti apa?
kerja seperti sekarang seneng juga, tapi ga ketemu banyak orang.
kerja kantoran ketemu banyak orang, tapi ga suka sistem 8-17-nya.
apalagi kalau kantornya jauh, uh... malas!
memang sih, jadi orang susah puasnya. kepingin dapat semuanya.
tapi kalau bisa kenapa nggak?